Throughout my life I’ve always just wanted to make it. Still stepping forward no matter what were the cards I was dealt. Each step only compelling more questions of why can’t I just get a new hand of cards. A new hand so I can breathe is all I want. Why must I sacrifice for others who could give two shits about me? Why must I walk through a desert of despair that only gets thicker with each step? Because I still need to make it somehow.

Throughout this path I’ve lost myself. I feel as if i’m a husk of what I used to be. A kid full of good intentions committed to sacrifice for my people to find my place. Yet I sit here homeless… I dreamed of a full family as a kid. Now I barely know if I even have one. Alone is what I feel. Im surrounded by friends but I still feel so alone. I feel as if my heart is gone and I should feel ashamed for even loosing it but I lost it just to make it this far. Why don’t you have your own place? Why don’t you apply for this job? Why aren’t you happy? Im trying as hard as I can but I’ve been beaten into the dirt. I can only fake a smile for so long.

Suicidal thoughts flood my head at times. As I reflect on why I think such thoughts I laugh at how apparent it is. Its a way out of a card game I didn’t even want to play. A card game that kept a family away from me, A card game that refused a roof over my head, A card game that I despise but it is a card game I have to win. I will play this game alone because I just want to make it. I want to breathe easy, I want these scars to heal, I want a family to love.

I regret the scars I must bear but I know many have dealt with far worse hand than I.